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What’s So Special About Dialogue?
by Keith Miller, MSW, LICSW
When some people hear that the first objective in the Imago process is to learn a new way of talking to your partner that involves a version of reflective listening, they often respond with, "That’s it? I’m supposed to believe that we can save our marriage by repeating each other’s words?" The short answer to this is "yes," which is why you might want to keep reading to see how this exceedingly simple idea leads to a profound understanding of marriage and relationships in general. Of course, this is just one part of Imago Relationship Therapy but it is the best place to start.
The first thing you encounter in Imago therapy is a new way of talking to your partner called the Intentional Couples Dialogue. The first part of the dialogue is called mirroring. Many forms of counseling use a kind of paraphrasing method that is akin to mirroring, but mirroring is a horse of a different color. Mirroring is being intentionally present so as to reflect your partner’s words back to them, not what you think their words mean. This is a big difference. A lot of us think we are listening well when we paraphrase what someone said to us. This is easy to get away with in most social situations but it doesn’t fly so well when the people involved have a lot of emotion invested in every word. Such is the case in committed relationships.
For example, I might tell my wife, "It’s really warm outside, and I’m glad we decided to go for a walk." If she repeated what she thought I meant using her own words to paraphrase, she might say, "So you’re glad it’s a nice day and we could spend some time together." If we’re in a nice mood, her subtle addition of her own meaning to my words might pass as totally acceptable for me. I might even like her "putting words in my mouth" if it enhances what I was saying. But if the temperature between us happens to be hotter, such an interpretation on her part could be enough to spark some small arms fire between us, or even instigate a major battle.
The practice of mirroring our partner forces us to confront how we are masters at using our language to meld our partner’s reality into a facsimile of our reality. In committed relationships, the two worlds become one. This "melding" process is a normal part of the romantic stage of relationships. But when the meld progresses unchecked, it ultimately becomes ground zero for a toxic reaction that predictably results in our desire to pull away from our partner and the relationship. The Intentional Couples Dialogue is a tool that allows couples to experience a safe and healthy closeness without being grafted into each other.
DIALOGUE IS TRANSFORMATIONAL
When you begin the practice of regular dialogue with your partner, your relationship will change. This is because dialogue is transformational. To be in dialogue with someone is to temporarily transcend yourself and our selfish human tendency to believe that "other people must think like I think." When we allow ourselves (even temporarily) to give up our need to assert our reality on top of others, we discover an amazing truth; making space for the reality of the "other" does not threaten our own reality. In fact, when we commit to intentionally build a relationship centered on dialogue, we learn that our own reality becomes stronger and clearer—not just to the person listening, but to us. Over time, we begin to see ourselves—our identity with all of its potential and its needs—at the same time that we reveal ourselves.
Think of dialogue as occurring whenever there is a real two-way conversation. You might think this happens all the time, but in reality dialogues are very rare. Most of our conversations are really dueling monologues in which two people take turns speaking. A real dialogue occurs when as much (or more) energy is invested in listening as in speaking.
In their acceptance speeches for the Nobel Peace Prize on December 10, 1994, both Arafat and Perez each mentioned they had discovered that "the only way to find peace in the middle-east is through dialogue." They did not mention negotiation.
Negotiation is when we selectively accept the parts of the other’s reality that we like, and reject what we don’t like. Most of our normal conversations consist of negotiation. We don’t notice it, but the exchanges we have with others are part of an artful and instantaneous dance of mutually labeling what the other is saying as either acceptable or unacceptable. Without thinking about it, we actually put the other person’s statements into three action categories as we acknowledge, reject, or ignore each statement. Try noticing this process at work in your conversations with others. It’s especially observable when you are in a group of people talking and you can observe others. Notice how many statements are ignored or negated as the topic of conversation is negotiated.
Dialogue transforms us in ways that ordinary conversation does not. Normal conversations allow room for us to modify what someone else is saying to make it fit with what we think they should say. I like the saying in the Jewish Talmud that says: "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are." The French poet Anais Nin puts different words to the same thought: "We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."
Having a satisfying intimate relationship requires that we perpetually shine light on how we see our partner through the lens of ourself. It requires humility, patience, and a willingness to be allies in dialogue.
There’s more about this topic…come back again soon to read about why dialogue is so hard. See also my article Safety and the Reptilian Brain.
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