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A Christian Perspective on Imago Relationship Therapy
by Keith Miller
 Some of the couples that I work with want to understand how Imago Relationship Therapy is compatible with their Christian faith. This article talks about the basic principles of this marriage therapy from a Christian perspective and I share how it had a major impact on my own understanding of God's love. To understand more about general Imago theory see the article About Imago.
Loving the Neighbor Closest to Us
Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. If you're married, the closest neighbor you have is your spouse. Why is it so hard to love your closest neighbor the way he or she wants to be loved?
Many of the Christian couples that come into my office feel shame and despair because of the stubborn conflict they encounter from not being able to love each other. The shame comes from thinking that "good Christians don't fight the way we do," or something along that line. The despair comes from repeated, failed attempts to stop hurting each other. The words of Paul speak to this in Romans 7:21: "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me." But there is good news: Conflict is a natural outcome of your relationship as it progresses into a more mature state. It can also teach you something you both need to know in order to grow together in Christ.
Recognizing Signs of Growth Trying to Happen
Most people don't believe that persistent conflict is really a sign of emerging growth in the relationship. Unfortunately, none of us were taught to recognize (and welcome) the signs and sounds when this emerging growth shows up. Instead, we convince ourselves that we must be with the wrong partner or that we are doing something wrong.
If you've driven a stick shift car, you know that you have to listen to the sound of the engine to know when it is time to shift gears. Persistent conflict in your relationship also means that it's time to shift. Imago Relationship Therapy helps couples make the shift into a conscious relationship; one that acknowledges how the Holy Spirit has led you to a partner who is in your life to help you grow. You might hear this and wonder how this shift happens. Does it come from prayer, fasting, or perhaps entering into a contemplative state of mind? While those spiritual disciplines are certainly good, shifting into a conscious relationship starts with something very basic like focusing on how you and your partner talk. This is possible through something called the Intentional Couples Dialogue (you may want to read What's So Special About Dialogue).
The Intentional Couples' Dialogue Creates Sacred Space in Your Relationship
Couples are able to experience safety and shift into a conscious relationship with each other through the practice of the Intentional Couples Dialogue. The couples dialogue is a cluster of communication skills that empowers both partners to take responsibility for creating the conditions necessary for genuine listening to occur. To listen, a person must "practice the presence of the other," and empty him or herself in order for the other to be fully present. This removal of the self for the sake of the other is at its core an imitation of God's grace in the acts of creation, the covenantal relationship, and the incarnation of Christ. When couples learn how to dialogue together, they become co-laborers with the Holy Spirit in the creation of sacred space within the relationship so that intimacy with each other and God may increase. By investing in the skills of the couples dialogue you are doing more than just improving how you talk to your partner. True dialogue with one another is a spiritual path that expands our understanding of love and grace.
Beyond Communication to Communion
It is my experience that developing a practice of safe communication with your partner has a direct link to experiencing a deeper state of communion with God. Our brains were marvelously created to protect us from anything that it perceives as a threat to our survival. While such defense tactics play an important role in our development as individuals, they have major implications for marriage relationships as spouses attempt to negotiate a shared life together. When Christians learn specifically what their partner's brain considers "safe," it becomes more possible to create the conditions within marriage to act "with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace" (Ephesians 4:1-3).
Safety Creates Light to Reveal what is Hidden
 When we are afraid we hide parts or all of ourselves from God and from others (Genesis 3:9-10[1]). Our "hiding" leads to sin when we obscure the authentic, whole self we were intended by God to be. When couples are taught to practice the ritual of creating sacred space through the Intentional Couples' Dialogue, they enter into a fellowship of light that leads to purification (1 John 1:7[2]). In the safe, healing presence of the other we are able to reveal our most vulnerable and bruised parts. This act of revealing what is usually hidden allows our partner to act in full awareness and, with compassion, to be an agent of God's healing grace to the parts of us that need the most love.
Healing that is Close to Home
The practice of Imago principles in my marriage caused nothing less than a spiritual awakening for me personally. Normally it's not a good idea to take your work home with you, but all Imago therapists are required to learn experientially, by first applying Imago principles to their own marriage. This turned out to be fortuitous both for my marriage and for my practice with couples. As I began my own path toward better communication with my wife, our relationship became the vehicle through which the Holy Spirit could enter into me in new ways. What began as learning ordinary skills to improve communication became a portal through which I could enter into more genuine communion with my wife, and indeed with the risen Christ.
The use of dialogue in our marriage allowed us to eventually see how the sparks of our conflict actually illuminate what God is doing in our lives. As I slowly allowed my wife to become a mirror for me to see the parts of me that were closed to her love, I could see that these same parts were also closed to God's love. The work we do to stay conscious in our marriage-through dialogue-gives us a tangible way to be in contact with our most bruised, broken, and depraved parts. Through this process, I discovered God's healing of those parts and found new ways to live as Paul instructs to, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." (Ephesians 5:1).
[1] "But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?" He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid. (NIV)"
[2] "But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." (NIV)
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written by a guest on January 07, 2008
Nice article!